Friday, March 25, 2005

MUST READ for Travel Haters

Right now, at this very moment, I should be on a cramped plane of college students on their way to or from Spring Break! I should have ears popping, yucky peanuts, warm coke, a cricked neck, no elbow room and some dude in front of me with his seat reclined in my lap!
I arrived to the Kill Me, TX airport at 10:20. My flight was to depart at 11:05 to Houston. I wasn't as early as I usually like to be, BUT, this is a tiny airport and you check in and get through security in like 10 minutes.
I arrived to the front counter and there was no one there. I proceeded to the Self Check In machine, swiped my card, and it could not find my reservation. Time is a ticking, people are boarding my plane, and it cannot find my reservation! Screw you you piece of shit!
So I patiently wait at the front desk, waiting for someone to come from the back to help me, and no one is showing up. Another guy, in a similar scenario as I am is also waiting, except they had his reservation, that damn machine just said he was too late checking in (and he didn't even have any luggage). Why can't they spend the $7 an hour to have someone man the front desk. Stupid cheap fuckers!
The guy also waiting goes to another counter, more irate than I am, and asks them to call someone from Crappinental to get to the front desk. They said they can't because the dumb asses that work for Crappinental are at Gate 3 boarding others. He goes off and they are threatening to call security on him. Just lovely!!
I get on the phone with the Crappinental Customer Fuck you overService phone number and tell them that nobody is manning their front desk and that their dumb ass computer cannot find my reservation.
The chic on the phone says they cancelled my reservation because I missed my flight from Houston to Kill Me, TX on the 21st. *Realllyyyy????* Then how the hell am I in Kill Me, TX Airport right now? I then told her the story of when I was in Houston, boarding the plane to Kill Me, TX - there was something wrong with my boarding pass. So they pulled me over to another computer, fixed something, printed me out a new boarding pass and sent me back through the line. Except the guy never took the boarding pass from me, he just waved me on through (man do I feel safe!) I didn't think anything of it at the time! But he must not of checked me in as being on the plane (but my luggage did show up in Kill Me, TX - so who the hell knows)
So I explained to the moron on the phone that as we speak, I am missing my plane. She says she is calling a supervisor to get this fixed. This STILL doesn't get me on my scheduled flight that is now taking off as I am on hold with Crappinental. After 16 minutes on hold, they have my reservation fixed, leaving Kill Me at 1:30 to Houston at 4.....with a freaking 4 1/2 hour layover in Houston...Departing at 7:30 arriving in Columbia at 10:45pm tonight. Wow, I went from getting home at 4:30 to 10 fucking 45!!
Not to mention, I had a job interview at 5:30 with someone from my company to try and get out of the freaking training department, into a Sales Manager position to stay in South Carolina. I will have to board Kiki one more night in the Kennel AND I had a date tonight that I am now going to miss!!
I go to the gate where the other guy is there on standby. I actually got a seat so I considered myself semi-lucky. He said that the flight was overbooked by 5 people! After I call my mom and she convinces me to call Crappinental back for some type of compensation, I do...and they tell me I need to see a supervisor at the airport. So that would require me to leave the gate, go to ticketing, talk to some lame brain with their thumb up their ass, get even more pissed off, and then have to go back through security. NOT HAPPENING!
So I am patiently waiting for my flight and I get a phone call. It's the automated Crappinental system telling me my flight has now been delayed until 2pm! Just great!
So, it's 30 minutes before the flight, and they come on the loudspeaker
We are 1 person overbooked and are now taking volunteers to take a later flight. Volunteers will be compensated with a $300 Crappinental Voucher and will be booked on a later flight this evening.
I waited a little bit to see if anyone was getting one did. So I figured, what the hell, if they can still get me home tonight AND give me a free ticket....might as well make someone else's day better than mine!
So I go to them and ask if they could still get me home tonight. They looked at the computer and said they would send me to Amarillo and from there I would go to Houston where I would board my current 7:30 flight to Columbia. So, I'm getting home at the same time, and getting a free ticket. Sure, what the hell! So I volunteer. The guy next to me that was the one they were going to kick off is thanking me profusely.
They have me sign some stuff and then tell me to go to the front ticket counter to get my voucher. I get there, sign my stuff, they print out my new boarding passes, give me a meal voucher and a "taxi voucher". I thought this was if I wanted to leave and come back! NOPE! They were sticking me in a taxi to drive 100 miles to the Amarillo Airport. Fine, whatever...just get me the fuck out of Kill Me, TX.
So, I go out to the yellow cab, and there is this HUGE DIRTY MAN driving the damn thing. Seems nice, but doesn't get rid of the fact that he is a HUGE & DIRTY MAN. Now mind you, taxi cabs are just gross! You don't know what kind of people have been in these things! They just feel dirty!
This cab inparticular had 260,000+ miles on it and I wasn't sure it was going to get me to Amarillo (as I sing "Amarillo by Morning"). The cab smells musty and I'm scared to touch anything. The damn seatbelt doesn't even work! I pull out some sales numbers I wanted to go over for my interview, and the taxi driver insists on telling me his life story. I couldn't be rude...this guy could drop me off in the middle of Texas and kill me and no one would know. He looks like he may have eaten people for a snack before....I wasn't taking any chances!
So, while looking at my sales numbers, I smiled, nodded, laughed and throw in some Wows, Reallys, Oh Mys, and any other interjections I could (Interjections - show excitement and emotion.....this is lost if you don't remember School House Rocks).
I have driven through the whole damn state of TX before east to west. South to North is no different! There is absolutely nothing out there. All flat ground, no trees, all dirt - the perfect place for UFOs to land!
So I continue to bury my head in my reading while he tells me about his 20 years of truck driving. Then the upholstery starts peeling from the ceiling from this God Awful Smell.....HUGE NASTY MAN FARTED!!!! It was definitely him! There was nothing surrounding us that it could have been. No factories, no cattle, no skunks! It was silent but deadly! I thought I was going to hurl right in his back seat (as I'm sure others have done before!)
An hour and a half later, we arrive to Amarillo - and even worse airport than Kill Me, TX. I am now here, plugged in so I can provide you all amusement with my complete and utter miserable travel experience. I am on an end seat and to the left of me is my computer bag and purse. Well, this shady looking guy sits next to my bad and purse. There are plenty of seats in here. It's not like this place is crowded. But he's sitting here. He stretches his arm on the seat that his holding my bag and purse, very close to my shoulder. Can my body shrink inwards anymore?? Get away you creepy man!! Then he asks if I will watch his bags for a moment and leaves. EHHHH! I don't want to be responsible for his bag and briefcase with who knows what in it!
And this is where I am at now. Waiting to board my flight to Houston! I'm sure something exciting will happen there too. I am going to go ahead and post this so you all can have a Friday night of laughs. I consider it this way...I'm going through all of this so that I can have a FREE ticket to the next Bad Example Family Reunion!! See what I go through for my family ;-) time to spell check...we are boarding....Get Over It!