Friday, March 11, 2005

March is a Bad Month in my Family

November a couple years back, when I was dating Dirt, I got a call that my grandfather was not going to make it much longer. He had lung cancer and previously had skin cancer and wasn't going to make it. I was bad at getting to Missouri to see them, but I knew I had to now before my grandfather passed away. Dirt and I drove to Missouri to see him. My grandparents were very poor. I lived with them for a couple of months during some rough times, but this is how I knew they loved me. If I had a field trip, my grandma would tell my grandpa to drive me over to Kroger to get a .25 cent soda and a hostess cake to take with me for lunch. Grandma and I would sit at the table and play cards for hours and hours. We would play rummy or spades...and she beat me every time! She would even play Mario Brothers with me on Nintendo. She could get through the whole game with out losing one turn! Anyway, we drove to Missouri, spent some time with my grandpa and grandma for a few days. It was rough to see grandpa in the shape he was. He tried so hard to smile and be okay in front of me, but he was in so much pain. They had moved from a trailer that was not suitable to live in anymore, to a small studio apartment. It was very sad. On our drive back from Missouri, I got a call from my mom that my grandma had passed away. I'm not good at showing emotion, but I lost it! I was so confused, grandpa was the one that was so sick. Grandma had past health issues....a lot of them, but she was stubborn as hell. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, especially my mom. Not really for me, but I didn't know how to comfort my mom. Well, in March, while a friend and I were driving to CA to get tattoos, I got a call from my mom that grandpa had finally passed. I didn't really lose it on this one. I knew it was going to happen and was kind of relieved. He was in so much pain. I would never want to live in that kind of pain. I actually told my mom that if I was ever in that much pain, to just let me go. So I actually kind of pushed this out of my mind. I came back from CA, and stopped by my moms house with my friend, and as much as I knew I shouldn't show her - I showed her the tattoo on my lower back. Why?? I don't know. I have absolutely no clue. She was still devastated by the news, and I handle it by pissing her off. We didn't talk much after that, at least about grandpa, cause again, I didn't know how to comfort her. Grandpa was buried on my moms birthday. I still don't know how to comfort her to this day. Well, my great-grandfather passed away a year ago this month. My mom will talk about it sometimes, and I still don't know what to do or say. I usually end up changing the subject. My stepdad's father passed away a few years ago after being very sick. I had only met him like twice, so it didn't hit me very hard, although I was sad for him, my stepdad, and his family. Tonight, my mom called and said my stepdad's mother is going to pass probably in the next couple of days. I say I'm sorry...and what do I do???? I change the subject. To this day, I have never been to a funeral. I wouldn't know what to do, how to act, or how I would react. To this day, I don't know how to comfort anyone that has had someone that has passed. My thought is that I would always try to see the person before they passed. Spend some last happy moments with them. I don't know if I just have some maturing to do in that department. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to a funeral. I don't know if I will ever be able to handle this stuff differently.